19 September 2008

19/ 9/2008

What I’m going to tell you is a secret and I’m only telling you Golden Voices readers ‘cos I don’t want anyone else to know about my problem.

Well, why shouldn’t I share my fears (spiders) and everything else with a trusted friend like you? The thing is, as you will have gathered by some of the previous Golden Voices columns I am well into alternatives and like to explore every possibility rather than resort to the first easy option, though in this case dieting to lose weight can hardly be called an easy option … can it?

It really has been the bane of my life (dieting). It's not that I can’t do it or that I haven’t done it and actually achieved weight loss. I have done it successfully on many occasions. Only two and a half years ago I lost some excess weight (well ok then, a little weight) and as soon as I started to feel better I celebrated by buying the most delicious Sherry Trifle and had some of it (as a treat) after each meal … including breakfast …tut. And yes, the lost weight soon found its way back home and picked up a few new pounds on the return journey. So just like I tried every alternative method to give up smoking over 24 years ago, I thought I’d try some of the same procedures (which didn’t work then but I guess I’m a trier).

Acupuncture’s a no, no ‘cos it didn’t do a thing for me, not even after three attempts though it did work for a while for Ruth who I dragged away from her cosy little desk to be acupunctured with me because she was smoking far too much.

I convinced her that it works and what it cost would work out cheap because of the money we would save from not buying cigarettes. Oh yes, I’m really good at persuasion and to prove it to her I went in first and then waited until Ruth had her ear punctured after which she came out of the treatment room only to find me contently smoking and twiddling the Acu-stud in my ear which was supposed to cut the craving for nicotine.

The therapist did say I was a ‘little difficult’ and that I’d need a few sessions. Those few sessions still didn’t work and as some of you will recall when I wrote about finally giving the dirty stuff up with the help of Trevor McDonald. I gave it up cold turkey and I have to say up to now it’s been a massive achievement.

If only I could muster up the same determination about dieting; it’s so hard and controlling. Dieting seems to invade your sleep, your thoughts even your dreams. When I’m trying to diet I dream about food so much that I wake up ravenous.

Well, enough is enough. I decided to take some extreme action and search for a hypnotist. I came about this conclusion after I’d been speaking to a lady who told me she had just come back from a first time holiday abroad because she had been too afraid to board an aircraft and fly ‘up into the sky’. Her horror of flying stopped her family from enjoying and exploring new countries until she went to a local seaside show where there was a hypnotist act.

Due to the bad weather conditions the theatre was three quarters empty and the hypnotist asked people in the audience if they had any phobias they wanted curing. This lady told him about her fear of flying and he ‘put her under’ and when she came back round she said she felt a little strange but realised once she arrived home that her perception about flying had changed. As a result she and her husband booked a holiday abroad and had no apprehension at all.

Right, that’s it. I needed a hypnotist. One that can click his/her fingers tell me not to eat all those lovely things I like and I won’t feel hungry for them … simple. Erm … not so. For a start hypnotist (the ones I ‘phoned out of the Yellow Pages) do not like being called hypnotist … they are Hypnotherapists. So what’s the difference I ask, falling for the spiel like as though I was going to learn something amazing? It seems that Hypnotherapists want to find the cause of the problem and treat it so that you won’t relapse and succumb to the dreaded hunger pangs again. ‘But I know what causes it and I don’t need therapy … I just need my mind changing about food’ I cried hungrily down the ‘phone.

But, you know how it is, you just can’t get past what these therapists believe is good for you or rather how good your money is for them.

Oh, yes I did it. Yes, I fell for the spiel and turned up for ‘therapy’ where I was ‘consulted’ and asked about my background, childhood and anything else that the therapist felt was appropriate. Though there was something that was blindingly obvious he failed to pick up on I just let him carry on because I wanted to start the hypnotism.

He told me to imagine being on a beach in the sun with the sound of the sea in the background …’erm, just a minute’ I interrupted tentatively, ‘I don’t like beaches and the sun doesn’t like me’. The therapist tried to understand this but then ceded and we settled for a leafy glen with dappled sunlight and birdsong.

Believe me it was very hard to keep focused on being in this place and to concentrate on his voice trying to put me off food. Anyway I had to take the recording home and listen to it at least twice a day which I did religiously in readiness for the next ‘deeper’ session. After seven days of tortuously trying to relax in the sleepy glen that became too predictable and boring.

I turned up for the next deep session hoping that this was going to take away my hunger pangs. This time he wanted me to imagine a green valley with snow capped mountains and … ‘erm … can we change that’ I daringly interrupted. At this point I thought I caught just the slightest little sigh of exasperation but hey! This is my session I thought and I’m not going where I wouldn’t normally go in the first place.

He asked me where I’d really like to be and when I told him that I’d love to drive through the Grand Canyon during the night when it’s a full moon. He sort of looked at me strangely, shrugged and started to talk me through the canyon where I would find two tables; one full with good foods and the other full with bad foods. I would then shove the bad foods in the bin and concentrate on the good foods.

Oh, beam me up Scotty, ‘cos it ain’t working. I’m sick of hearing his voice whining on and on and I’ve stopped shoving the food off that table … it’s such a waste and the way he didn’t describe the Grand Canyon fell short of what should have been a lovely experience. He also slipped in a little comment that I only remembered as I was driving home. He said I’d been a bit of an awkward client, huh! The moral of this story is don’t part with any more money and when dieting, do it cold turkey … Mmm with fresh salad and chips and mayo and …

It’s always nice to see deserving people being nominated for a top award and there’s none more deserving than Marlene Garnett from Newton Heath.

Marlene has been shortlisted for the Pride of Britain award for her tireless campaign against yob culture for which she and her family have had to pay a very high price in respect of receiving abuse, having property vandalised and having to battle through it all whilst trying to maintain a normal everyday life.

Well done Marlene for being who you are, what you are and for trying to put the heart back into a once close community.

At last we have the tickets for the Golden Voices ‘do’ on Sunday 19/10/08 at the Music Hall on Church Street Newton Heath.

I know I told you where you will be able to buy the tickets but I’ve not yet cleared this but should have this done by next week. People have been ‘phoning and I have reserved their tickets … can’t wait!